Affairs and Betrayal in Open Relationships

Successful open relationships rely on trust, communication, and clear boundaries—principles that apply to any healthy relationship.

Unfortunately, I see many couples in my practice who started an open relationship without adequate communication about boundaries and what they meant to them. Sometimes, they may have discussed their boundaries but did not respect them.

When we do not honour the boundaries of an open relationship, the feeling of betrayal can be as devastating as infidelity in a monogamous relationship. For many couples, these breaches are often considered affairs or cheating in their open relationship.

Establishing Boundaries

When I work with couples considering an open relationship, we work together to create a set of boundaries that are tailored to the needs of the individuals in that relationship. Some couples choose the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” kind of boundaries. This means they are not discussing their individual experiences with one another. Another couple might choose to share every little detail.

Some couples have strict rules about who they can do what with, while others might have much more flexibility in that space.

What is important to recognise is that these rules and boundaries are not arbitrary. We discuss each boundary in detail and reflect on the value that they held for the individuals in that relationship. Because, ultimately, they represent respect, understanding and trust between the couple.

When One Partner Disrespects a Boundary   

Trust in an open relationship hinges on the assumption that both partners will honour these agreements. When boundaries are broken—for example, engaging with someone outside of agreed-upon limits or withholding important information—it constitutes a breach of trust. This is where betrayal happens in open relationships.

To some people, the term affair or cheating might seem counterintuitive in the context of an open relationship. However, violation of boundaries in monogamous or open relationships represents the same thing: secrecy and deception. 

When one partner is deceptive and secretive instead of transparent, they cause an emotional rupture in their relationship. This betrayal is devastating because it undermines the sense of emotional safety and trust in the relationship. The hurt partner feels traumatised, devastated, hurt, and deeply upset, and they might even question the validity of the open relationship. 

So, please ensure you respect the boundaries of your open relationship. This respect and mutual trust are essential for fostering emotional safety and connection. And if you want to adjust or remove a boundary, make sure to discuss it with your partner before taking any action. If you find this conversation challenging to navigate, feel free to reach out to me—I’m always here to help facilitate that discussion and support you both in finding a path forward together.

I wish you all the best. 

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