The Four Horsemen: Negative Communication Patterns

The “four horsemen” is a term coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman in their decades of research on couples and relationships. They found out that these four behaviours, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, can be predictors of relationship distress and, ultimately, failure over time. 

What are the 4 horsemen?

Criticism is the act of attacking one’s character or personality instead of addressing a specific behaviour. For example, instead of saying, “I get really upset when I see you leaving your clothes on the floor after I just clean the room”, one might say, “You’re so lazy and disorganised. 

Contempt is the next level of criticism, characterised by a sense of superiority and disdain for one’s partner. This shows up in sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, and other forms of verbal and nonverbal disrespect. In the case of clothes on the floor, the contemptuous partner might say, “You are so disgusting”. 

Defensiveness can be present in one’s communication pattern, but can also be a response to criticism or contempt. It involves denying responsibility and counterattacking. When one raises a concern in the relationship, the defensive partner would deny responsibility by saying, “you do that too”.  They also might deny responsibility by minimising what they did, “my voice was not that loud”, or “I was not yelling at you!”

 It can take the form of “yes, but” statements or shifting blame to the partner. In the face of raising a concern, the defensive might say “look who is talking” or “you are just too sensitive”. Or, they might attack the relationship when they are defensive, “this is just not working,” or “maybe we should just break up”.

They sometimes might attack themselves by being self-deprecating and saying, “you are never gonna be happy with me”. Or they might say “I can never make you happy”. All these forms of defensiveness shift the conversation to something completely different. They also hinder the couple from resolving the original problem.

This might have been happening for you if you commonly ask yourself what were we even talking about, or I can’t even remember how we got here.

Stonewalling is the act of withdrawing emotionally from a conversation or interaction. It can manifest as silence, shutting down, or physically removing oneself from the situation. 

No relationship is immune to these behaviours. It is normal for couples to fall into these patterns at times. However, all four of these behaviours are unhelpful to a relationship.

They can lead to a cycle of increasing negativity and disconnection and result in a deep sense of loneliness. Therefore, it’s important to address them as soon as you notice them happening. The focus also needs to be on creating a culture of appreciation, mutual respect and empathy within the relationship. 

You can also work with a couples therapist to help you identify them and replace them with the antidote to all of the above. 

I wish you all the best.