What is a Sexual Memory Bank?

One of the concepts I work on with my clients, especially in couple therapy, is the concept of the sexual memory bank. 

Think of it like this; every sexual relationship has a sexual memory bank. This is the collection of all the experiences you and your partner have ever shared surrounding your sex life. These experiences encompass your thoughts, feelings and behaviours from the beginning of your relationship until now and are constantly being shaped and updated. 

What you deposit in your sexual memory bank is important. Because it can form your outlook as well as positively or negatively affect your feelings towards sex with your partner in your relationship. 

What do you mean by positive and negative memories?

Examples of positive memories include a fulfilling sexual experience where you felt closer to your partner. The time you rejected your partner’s sexual advances and s/he responded kindly. Or the time sex did not go as hoped, but you managed to stay connected afterwards. Negative sexual experiences are usually very powerful and long-lasting. They include the time you said no to sex and your partner did not speak to you for a few days or gave you the cold shoulder. Or the time sex went poorly, and one of you stormed out of the bedroom, or you ended up in an argument afterwards. All these experiences get deposited into your sexual memory bank and inform your future decisions about sex and intimacy with your partner. 

When your memories fill you with excitement and pleasure, the chance of initiating sex or saying yes to sex with your partner is much higher than if your accumulated memories fill you with anxiety, sadness or a sense of dread.

I work with couples to co-create their sex life. Their new sex script attempts to meet both their sexual and emotional needs.

We work on revamping their sexual memory bank by; 

  • Creating mindfulness of what is stored in their sexual memory bank,
  • Identifying past negative memories related to their sex life and developing a dialogue leading to understanding and forgiveness,
  • Learn ways of rejecting each other without creating lasting hurt,
  • Identifying one another’s positive experiences and working on creating more of those in the relationship,
  • Learning how to communicate thoroughly when experimenting with new sexual adventures,
  • Learning how to demonstrate listening to each other’s boundaries and desires with respect. 

In the therapeutic process, we work on creating new and positive memories while resolving past hurts. As a result, a fresh and healthy sexual memory bank will emerge, leading them both to a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life.

If you believe the sexual memory bank in your relationship requires attention, please feel free to contact me so we can begin the process of healing the past and creating a more satisfying future.

I wish you all the best. 

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