Understanding Your Sexual Desires 

As a sex therapist, I often hear from clients, women in particular, struggling to understand what turns them on. It’s a common experience that can sometimes be frustrating and confusing. Especially when you look at media or porn, everyone seems to know about their sexual desires, fantasies and what turns them on.  This can feel quite lonely at times for people who find it challenging to learn about their sexual self. However, the good news is that there are many ways to explore your desire and preferences and develop a deeper understanding of what really turns you on.

One important step:

In this process, you need to cultivate a sense of curiosity and openness about yourself. This requires you to suspend your judgment even though it is normal to feel some anxiety or shame around exploring sexual desire. Please remember that there is nothing wrong with having fantasies or desires that might feel outside of what you believe the norm is. In fact, exploring those desires in a safe and consensual way can be an incredibly empowering and satisfying experience.

Here are some tips for learning about your sexual desires:

1. Pay attention to your body. Our bodies often give us clues about what we find arousing. Take note of it when you feel a physical response to a particular stimulus – whether that’s a thought, a sensation, or an image. Do you feel a flutter in your stomach, a tingling sensation, or a rush of warmth? These physical responses can be valuable indicators of what you find pleasurable.

2. Explore your fantasies. Fantasies are a natural and healthy part of our sexual lives. If you’re not sure what you find arousing, spend some time exploring your imagination. What scenarios turn you on? Do you imagine being dominant or submissive? Do you have particular fetishes or interests? It can be helpful to write down your fantasies or even to create a visual representation of them.

3. Experiment with different forms of stimulation. Many people have a particular type of stimulation that they find particularly arousing. For some, it might be visual stimulation – watching pornography or erotica, for example. For others, it might be tactile stimulation – the feel of a particular fabric or texture against the skin. Experiment with different types of stimulation to see what feels best for you.

4. Communicate with your partner(s). If you’re in a relationship, talking with your partner(s) about your desires and preferences can be helpful. Even though this can be a vulnerable conversation, it can also be a way to deepen your intimacy and trust. Let your partner(s) know what turns you on, and ask them about their desires and preferences. 

5. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Learning what turns you on can be a lifelong process, and it’s normal to have ups and downs along the way. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to experience pleasure, and everyone’s journey is unique. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion as you explore your desires and preferences.

Learning what turns you on is an ongoing process that requires curiosity, openness, and self-compassion. By exploring your body, your fantasies, and your desires, you can develop a deeper understanding of your own pleasure and create a more fulfilling sexual life. Please feel free to contact me if you or your partner would like to learn more about your sexual desires.  I am here to support you on your journey towards a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life.

I wish you all the best.